By Mirabelle Summers
Author of Get A Great Guy Guide
If you want genuine men and not just any man, this will challenge your beliefs about love and attraction, and show you the way to become a seduction success story, check this out…
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Understand and Conquer His 6 Biggest Relationship Fears
Before you move to the next step with your man, read this!
Entering a new relationship can be daunting, especially if you have been single for a while.
It’s a time when your routines get shaken up and you have to start thinking about his needs, as well as your own.
But all of your fears are nothing when you compare them to the excitement and joys of a new relationship, right? Well, you’d think so.
But all too often you hear of a woman meeting a great guy and falling in love, only to have him get cold feet and pull away at the last minute because his relationship fears get overwhelming.
Now many would say that this guy wouldn’t be worthy of a second chance. And this may be rightly so.
But relationship and commitment fear is something which affects a lot of single guys, so I thought it would be important for me to let you know what the 6 BIGGEST FEARS are that men have when it comes to entering a relationship.
This way, you will know what to look out for and will gain an understanding of the fears that may be running through your man’s mind. And understanding these will give you the ability to DIMINISH HIS FEARS before they have a chance of giving him second thoughts.
Fear #1: That you will discover his ‘true self’ and reject him.
Although men will do their best to never let it show, inside they all have A LOT of insecurities – just like we do.
“I wish I was taller” “I need to work out more” “I wish I could be as funny as that guy” “She’s too good for me”
Believe it or not, your man is constantly comparing himself to other men to see if he measures up. He worries that people are going to eventually see him for how he views himself in his worst moments (e.g. unattractive, boring, lazy), and does his best to compensate for this by acting macho.
In particular, he fears that YOU are going to start seeing through his confident ‘disguise’, realise your mistake and then reject him for someone more worthy.
You may be thinking: ‘WHAT??? That’s not my man!’
Thank again. He is a lot more vulnerable than that hard exterior lets on.
What you can do: Find opportunities to regularly give your man the message that you love him exactly for who he is. That he is enough. That you don’t need OR want anyone else.
Fear #2: That he will have to stop doing what he loves.
Sometimes guys get this all-consuming idea in their heads that having a girlfriend will equal no free time. They worry that before they know it they will be having to trade in their time hanging with the lads, playing sport, and watching TV for shopping and rom-coms.
Where do they get this idea? I don’t know.
But what I do know for sure is that any guy who thinks I want to be with him 24/7 in a relationship can think again – we need our girl time and time to ourselves just as much as they need theirs.
What you can do: Give him space in the relationship to do his own thing. Encourage his time playing golf with his buddies, and don’t ask to tag along.
Make sure you keep up all your own hobbies and interests, as well as time with your friends and family.
It is essential for a happy and healthy relationship that you both have your own interests as an individual.
Fear #3: That you will stop making an effort for him.
Please don’t take this the wrong way. But your appearance IS highly important to him. He may love the way you look now, but that silly voice in his head is wondering:
“Is she going to let herself go once we’re together?”
You may not realise this, but the effort you put into your appearance is actually a signal to him of how much you care. Let me repeat: the effort. Not how closely you resemble a supermodel, but the effort you put into your self-presentation.
Although it’s natural that you will both relax a bit once in a committed relationship, he will be looking out for any major changes related to your appearance.
Changes, for example, in your eating or exercise habits, effort you put into your hair and makeup, and clothes you wear around him. Don’t worry – I’m not talking about any natural aging here!
What you can do: Keep looking after yourself after you have become an item. This doesn’t mean going to any extremes, just try to keep generally fit and healthy, think about what you wear, put a brush through your hair in the morning, and make a bit of extra effort when you are going out. Easy!
Fear #4: That he won’t be able to provide for you.
Guys feel a strong need to be able to provide for their partners and families, no matter how well you may already be able to take care of yourself.
Respect that his need to provide is part of his male identity, and that this is something he may feel quite strongly about.
This fear might particularly affect men who don’t have a steady income or aren’t yet ‘set up’ in life, as well as men in a situation where their potential girlfriend earns more than they do.
What you can do: Always show your appreciation when he does show generosity and want to provide, but don’t ever take it for granted. If he doesn’t have much money and you do, try not to flaunt lots of flashy new buys in front of him, and get creative when it comes to dates.
Pick venues or activities that are either free or low-cost, to ease some of the pressure from his need to provide. For example, suggest a picnic at the park rather than an expensive restaurant. Half the cost, double the romance!
Reassure him that you don’t need to lead an expensive lifestyle to be happy, and are proud of him for the work he does.
Fear #5: That you will want to settle down straight away.
The connections are forming in his head:
‘She wants to be in a relationship with me now. How long is it going to be before she wants a wedding ring and houseful of kids? There’s no way I’m ready to be a husband or a dad’.
Obviously, if you have met in middle age, you may be comfortable moving things along a bit faster than you were when you were in your twenties.
And there is nothing wrong with thinking about the future and knowing what you want in terms of children and lifestyle.
But men often need a bit more time to think about these things, and the start of a relationship is a really delicate time where talking about big decisions like moving in together or having kids could easily cause him to freak out.
What you can do: Try not to put any pressure on the relationship at the start. This should be a fun time where you are just getting used to each other and enjoying each other’s company. Now is not the time to start making any big decisions.
As your relationship progresses, there will be times where it is natural to start having more serious conversations about your life goals and where you can see the relationship heading.
Just make sure that you gently introduce any big ideas and give him some time to process them. If he needs more time, accept this – some ideas take a while to get used to.
Remember, it is never a good thing to try and force anyone into getting married or having children.
Fear #6: That he won’t be able to keep you happy.
He may have finally got you to go out with him, but now he’s bound to be thinking:
“Heck, how am I supposed to keep this amazing and gorgeous woman satisfied?!”
“I can’t do romance. I can’t cook. I can’t keep her happy.”
Honestly. This is a genuine fear that is going to be running through his mind: that although he may have you under his spell right now, he is soon going to run out of tricks and the magic is going to fizzle out.
‘But why?!’ you may be thinking. ‘He makes me SO happy every day’.
What you can do: The best way to reduce his anxiety around this is to constantly show him you are happy. You probably do this already through smiles, laughter, thank you’s, and affection.
As well as showing him, be sure to actually tell him every so often just how happy he makes you feel. And as long as he is still making you happy, all I can say is keep it up.
Also, if you want genuine men and not just any man, let us challenge your beliefs about love and attraction, and show you the way to become a seduction success story, check this out…
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No games. No scripted lines. Real life dating advice for real women!
Isabeau – Women have just as many insecurities and just as much anxiety about relationships as men do – they’re just Different! We worry about appearance, other women’s appearances, our body image, our abilities, our sexuality, etc. etc. We all put SO MUCH PRESSURE on ourselves and our men, its no wonder relationships don’t survive these days. If we just RELAX into the relationship, remember WHO we ARE, remind ourselves of how truly wonderful we are, and how truly wonderful HE is, and let it unfold naturally, I believe a lot of our problems will solve themselves. If you’re a needy woman, you should start looking at WHY you are so needy, and adjust your mindset accordingly. Men just need us to understand that WE are Different, and WE need to realize that THEY are not US. They think differently and with different parts of their brains than we use. They feel things differently, and their feelings are ‘supposed’ to be ‘hidden’ and we teach them that from birth. Perhaps we should look at how we raise our sons and teach them from an early age how differently they see things than we do, and teach them how to COMMUNICATE with women?
I would be gratefull if you could answer my question I found out my husband has been liying to me and went on the internet to find information about men and how they think and have found out that men fantasize that your a new or different women when he is having sex with you,as a woman I don’t know how he can do this as I feel this as a betrayal. Thank you
I think it is cheating and I would say talk to him about it and try some new things in the bedroom!!! spice it up a little!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been with my husband over 20 years and we never let it get boring in the bedroom and he is the love of my life there is nothing we can’t talk about !!! best wishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi theuncannie1, thanks for sharing your insights. Well said! 🙂
Hi Sandra, you’d best bring that up with your husband, but try not to approach the topic in a confrontational way. Just focus on your feelings by letting him know how that kind of thinking is hurting you. He needs to understand that looking at you in that way makes you feel betrayed – then ask him how both of you can get around this problem, like asking him for suggestions (i.e. new things to try in bed) or even seeing a counselor who specializes in sexual matters.
Thanks for the article. Realizing that both men and women feel this type of insecurities is a big help.
In late January I travelled to America to meet the man i met on Facebook and his family. He paid for me to go there and arranged accommodation for me with a family member. I thought that i was going to get engaged while i was there and that i would be helping him fill out the alien fiance visa form, instead he told me 3 days before Valentines Day that he was falling out of love with me and wanted me to go home early. I asked him if i could stay and try to work things out which he agreed to but at the end of the month he sent me home in tears. The day i got home he talked to me on web cam then blocked and unfriended me. He said that he was scared at how quickly that our relationship had developed, that he needed time, that i had come out to quickly to meet him, that i was smothering him. In reality it is his family that is smothering him and he can’t see it. How can i win him back when he won’t acknowledge my emails? I truly do love him and i know deep down that he loves and misses me and regrets how he treated me. Please help me.
Many of these fears are characteristic of avoidant attachment style. I highly recommend ‘Attached’ by Amur Levine and Rachel Heller for a good introduction to this. ‘Avoudant’ by Jen Kinnison is also good. Much online advice is written assuming that all men have this attachment style and it’s simply not true. It’s just that women with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles tend to pair off with avoidant men and these sorts of problems are the results, which leads to huge stereotyping about men and women in romance.
After reading these books I realised that my husband of twenty years is avoidant. I could have saved myself years of heartbreak if I’d known about this before I married him.
I have met a guy who is 45. I met him through business and he was flirty immediately. But all it is flirtation, lots of texting. Sometimes very early morning, late at night, all day. I really feel has some sort of personal baggage, but I don’t think it will ever turn into anything. I dont’ believe he has ever been married and he says he isn’t in a relationship. Can’t figure out what makes him tick. I have tried to tone down the flirting because oddly enough i have grown to like him but don’t think he will ever follow through.
please help how to break the ice on dating site
At the beginning of a relationship, if, as Mirabelle suggests you don’t speed along too fast, both of you can get used to the potentially anxious-making things on this list. You will know each other better and find ways to make sure you don’t trigger these anxieties unnecessarily.
Uuugh!! I’m so frustrated & confused…Ok, my boyfriend & I met on s dating site, and rt away we connected with each other! When we went on dates, he was perfect for me, and his mannerism was the best I’ve ever seen! Opening my doors,to pulling out my chair, he had awesome manners! When we had sex, it was the best I’ve ever had! He knew just how to & seemed to do everything right.i thought we got along better than anyone else! So, we moved in together, and it just started to unravel rt before my eyes…we started arguing everyday and he would get extremely angry at silly things. He would accuse me if cheating,when I told him something about someone, he had to call them to confirm, cause he thought I was lying . He became a real a’$ h;”-le. Some things he would say to me was like stabbing me in the heart, cause it hurt that bad! Anyways, he moved all my stuff from his house to this trailer. I was devastated, hurt, and broken…then 3 days later, we get back together,and I moved back into the house. However, I chose not to move all of my stuff back into the house,in fear of this happening again! Here we are a month later, and everything was fine,until it just wasn’t fine,he was acting as though he hated me. Well, I lost it…couldn’t take it anymore! When I loose it, that means that I start yelling screaming, calling names, and have no control what so ever! We were screaming at each other, when he told me to hit the bricks, get out and of course, I recanted, apologized over & over…but I still had to go…I hurt him,. I hurt the relationship and I didn’t think he would text me a couple days later, wanting me to move back to the house,him saying he doesn’t want to loose me, he loves me, and we just need to work on it. I’m totally embarrassed for my part, and I don’t know what to do! Emotionally , physically, I just can’t keep doing this!I think we need some therapy or tools to pick up & use! Please help …. Thank you- Shauna
Hello, I am hoping you will be able to give me some advice – I have been in a relationship for nearly 3 months, I have been so happy, we have seen each other nearly every day and have just been doing simple things like going for walks, jogging together etc. I have been unbelievably happy and last Saturday my man assured me that he was not thinking of splitting up, even the next day he said he did not want anyone else. Some good friends of his who he has not seen for a few months returned on Monday and he saw them, which I was ok about. Then he came round to see me Wednesday evening and said that he wanted us to be just friends, he needed some space and a couple of weeks to think about things. He then asked me out of the blue if I loved him! I was scared to say yes in case this scared him and might drive him away so I said no. He then said if I had said yes he would have found it hard to be only friends. I was so upset and could not sleep that night, I realised that I was falling in love with him and sent him a text saying that and the impact he had on me and that I was so happy with him, just being himself made me happy. Can you tell me how I can win my man back – I truly do love him but had thought it was too soon in our relationship to be saying this. I look forward to hearing your comments, thank you.