10 Reasons Why You Should Deal With Your Issues Prior to Getting Married

By Dr. LaWanda N. Evans
From Language of Desire

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10 Reasons Why You Should Deal With Your Issues Prior to Getting Married

Why are you choosing not to deal with your issues? Why are you refusing to deal with your own brokenness before you get married? Why are you walking around carrying all the baggage from your past into your current relationship? Why? Why? Why?

Why are you jumping from relationship to relationship trying to fill a void? A relationship won’t fix your internal struggles, and marriage will only magnify what you don’t deal with.

One of my favorite sayings is, “who you really are and what you refuse to confront, will come out in the worst way when you get married.”

Why? Because you’ve been wearing a mask, and you work so hard at being perfect, saying the right things, and being the right person that you suppress the real you, you suppress the YOU, that nobody sees or knows but you, you turn into another person when you’re in his presence, and you have gotten good at performing.

What you fail to realize is that you can’t keep this up for long, it will hurt you down the line, and when the REAL you surface, it will be hard to go back to being who you were, without feeling guilty, sorry for yourself, and embarrassed.

It’s important to get to a place where you stop performing and be you, stop sweeping your issues under the rug and deal with them, stop acting like your issues are not there, stop ignoring the signs that says something is wrong, and stop pointing your finger at him and blaming him for your behaviors and actions. 

You are in control of what you do and what you say, you have control over you, so stop blaming him and take responsibility; pointing your finger at him, keeps you from looking at yourself.

When you don’t deal with your issues, they become bigger once you get married.

One example I love to use is “anger”; if you have anger issues now and you’re throwing things, punching walls, breaking things you must replace, keying cars, cussing folks out at the drop of a dime, and doing other unhealthy things when you are angry, guess what, you will do the same thing when you get married.

When dating, it takes a little bit longer for your issues to show up, because you’re still in a place of getting to know him and nothing has triggered a strong reaction, and you’re doing a good job of hiding who you are and thinking to yourself, that you can keep this under wrap and he will never know.

But guess what, at some point he will find out, something is going to make you soooo mad, and guess what, you are going to go off and then he’s going to wonder, who in the world did I marry and you’re going to ask yourself, “who is this person and where did she come from,” and you will probably say to yourself, “I didn’t know I could go there.”

So, don’t wait until marriage to deal with your issues, deal with your issues now because if you don’t, guess what:

1. The marriage will not last and you will find yourself single again. Not because of what you didn’t do, but because you refuse to deal with your issues prior to getting married.

2. You will be hard to live with and every time you walk in the house, he will leave because he doesn’t want to deal with the constant mood swings.

You will begin to wonder why he’s never home, and when he’s home he never talks to you because if he’s afraid to say something, because you may go off, snap at him, or cuss him out…

because you’re angry about something that happen or didn’t happen, and your way of expressing that you need help or that something is wrong is by taking your anger out on him, which leads him to walking on egg shells in his own house.

3. You will blame him for your feelings, instead of taking responsibility for how you feel and stating what’s causing you to feel the way you do.

You will blame him, to take the light off yourself, so you don’t have to look at YOU. It’s easy to blame him instead of looking at yourself and expressing why you feel the way you do.

You will start saying things like, “you made me feel… “ or “it’s because of you that I’m acting this way”; when it’s not him, it’s you, your past issues, and your perception of the situation, and instead of addressing the issues, you throw a personal attack at him and hit below the belt (say things to intentionally hurt him).

4. Your perception of what a healthy relationship will be distorted and you may become paranoid about things. When you don’t deal with your issues prior to getting married, you become accustomed to drama, issues, and challenges and if there’s not an argument, something is wrong because conflict is what you are accustom to.

If it’s too quiet in the house, something is wrong; if he’s not talking to you, he’s cheating; if he’s taking care of the household, he’s up to something or being to nice…

if he treats you like a queen, he doing it because he probably got somebody else and trying to keep you quiet, because in your mind, he can’t be that nice.

5. You will become easily angry about small things. For example, you asked him to take the garbage out and he doesn’t do it when you want him to, and as a result, you blow up and get mad because instead of seeing him as your husband, you see him as your child and you scold him for not doing what you asked.

6. You will blame him for your insecurities, and say things like, “it’s because of you that I’m this way…” but when the truth is, you were like that before your got married, and marriage is now shining a light on your internal issues you didn’t address prior to getting married.

7. Your perception about his relationship with other females will be distorted, and you will begin to think he’s not committed to you and you will have a problem with him having female friends or even speaking to other females.

8. You will become defensive about everything and automatically jump to conclusions when things go wrong or when you feel like you have been treated indifferently.

9. You will punish him for what happen in your last relationship or in your past, and instead of dealing with what happen in your previous relationship, you take all your frustrations out on him and hold him accountable for what the last man did. Which is not fair or right, because he’s not the one who hurt you.

10. You will find comfort in chaos and when things are going good, you will find something wrong that will lead to an argument or fight, because drama has become your normal.

So, before you get married, deal with your issues!