By Mirabelle Summers
Author of 2nd Chance
If you’ve ever wanted to make your ex CRAVE to have you back, then you NEED to watch this video right now.
Free Video: 2nd Chance, How To Get Your Ex Back
Do You Get Mad At Your Man?
Okay, let’s take a survey…
Hands up if you’ve ever gotten mad at your man… Hands up if you’ve ever found it FUN to get mad at your man.. .Hands up if you’ve started to find it REALLY EASY to get mad at your man…
Now, before we analyze those results, I’m going to tell you a little story.
When I was a teenager, I had a really great guy friend that I used to hang out with all the time. We played video games together, watched movies together, and went to one another’s houses for holidays.
When I got irritated at him, he didn’t take me seriously at all. He turned it into a joke. He’d make fun of me and poke me until I laughed again.
Then one summer I discovered the power of getting mad.
I don’t remember why I got angry at him, but for the first time, he didn’t laugh. He got upset, shut down, and went home without another word. I felt half-horrified, half-fascinated.
I still felt like I had every right to be mad at him, but instead of playing the game he’d taken my shot right in the face.
Sometimes, getting mad can be fun. Other times, it can kill a relationship. And you don’t always know which is which.
Throwing a fit NEVER helps things. But we still do it because it feels good.
Men HATE facing conflict. They will do anything to avoid having to face the fact that someone’s feelings were hurt or that a mistake was made. As a result, they don’t want to talk about problems.
The only way WE feel like we can get through to them is to throw a fit. Even if they don’t end up hearing us, at least we feel better afterward.
Getting mad at your man can become a habit. Every time he does anything annoying, or forgets something, or acts insensitively, it can feel oh-so-tempting just to let loose.
Although it can feel fantastic to let our emotions rip, very few of us realize how our habit of “getting mad” is actually less endearing than destructive.
So when is it OKAY to get mad? When is it okay to throw a tantrum because he’s not listening to us?
According to clinical psychologist Richard Wheeler, the answer is NEVER.
It’s NEVER okay to get mad at your partner. It’s NEVER okay to yell, or throw things, or call him names. It’s NEVER okay to blame him for every time he’s been late for a date with you or every time he’s forgotten a special occasion.
When I heard that advice for the first time, I was amazed. What do you do if you can’t get mad at someone? How do you show your partner that he hurt you? Isn’t all that anger harmful if you keep it inside?
Learning how to express yourself in a healthy way when you’re angry may be one of the most important lessons you ever learn when it comes to keeping your man’s love and respect.
So, to help you do this, here are 5 tips for what to do when you’re about to get mad at your man.
TIP #1: GET SOME PERSPECTIVE
Is it really such a big deal that he was 15 minutes late? Is it really such a big deal that you’d planned something together that you were really looking forward to and he canceled? How much does this matter to your relationship? Can you laugh at this?
TIP #2: DEAL WITH THE SITUATION AT HAND
Don’t bring up the past (e.g., every time he’s done this before) or the future. Keep yourself focused on THIS specific event.
TIP #3: EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS COMPLETELY
If you don’t tell him how you feel, you’ll become resentful and bitter. Make sure that you tell him how his actions made you feel in a way that’s non-accusatory and non-confrontational. Remember that it’s not about what he DID – it’s about how you FELT about it.
TIP #4: CARE ABOUT HIS POINT OF VIEW
Don’t have a shouting match where you’re trying to drown one another out. Where most arguments fail is when each side is focused on what THEY are going to say, not on understanding the other person’s point of view or resolving the conflict. Maybe he was just as upset as you were when he had to cancel your special date night; maybe he sped to get home on time and sat cursing at the stoplights, knowing he was going to be late. You don’t know. Give him space to tell you.
TIP #5: GIVE UP BEING RIGHT AND GET CLOSER
When you’re focused on being right, your relationship loses out. Don’t hold the pain of being hurt so tightly to you that it forms a barrier between you and your partner. Allow him
to make amends, and allow yourself to forgive. You know when your partner’s heart is genuinely in the right place.
These techniques will not only help you forge an amazing connection with your partner; they’ll also help you with life.
As anyone in management can tell you, blowing up and blaming others and nursing hurt feelings are actions that break teams apart. For a team to succeed, people have to be willing to cool down, talk things through, and accept decisions made for the sake of the team rather than the individual.
The great thing in a relationship is that there are only two of you with needs to balance. For some, that’s one too many.
If you want an okay relationship, go ahead and experience the pleasure of getting angry and making up. But if you want a relationship to last a lifetime, learn healthier ways to get mad – and give up getting even.
How to tell if he secretly wants you back
Ok, so when my husband cheated on me, I did wrong by raising my voice and being angry :D. Should have seen his point of view and tried to get closer to him.. I don’t think so. This advice does not apply to all situations. Like my friends guy got home completely drunk on Chistmas eve and kids were still awake.. Ithink it was ok for her to get angry.
I think people get angry because they are afraid of the meaning behind something that has “happened” to them. If your man is late, then you chose a “meaning” about why he is late. If that creates a fear for you, then the secondary feeling is anger. Chose a different meaning if you can. He is late maybe because he wants to look good for you, then you can feel the love from that instead of fear and anger.
They walk in the door late to leave for your date night… your response: I’m so glad you’re here and okay, let’s get going and you can tell me all about it in the car. 🙂
Men dont want to hear about your”feelings”
If the man cares enough for you, “he will want to hear about your feelings.”
Otherwise, he does not worth one-cent of your time… (^_~).
I can’t believe the advice here.I think it works, but only when there’s a great man & the annoyances are little, petty stuff. It’s not to be taken as universal advice.
For eg: a man “jokingly” insults you infront of his friends, you say I feel hurt when I’m joked about in public in a subtle put down way.He says – what the hell you talking about ? ( Ignoring & not taking responsibility or promising not to do it again ).Me- I just want to express how I feel when I’m being joked about in public. His response – oh c’mon take it easy, it was just a joke !
Your feelings are completely invalidated, discarded & you’re accused of not having a sense of humor. The right thing to do is being beware of this kind of a man. “Your man ” may mean the boyfriend or our current date, who may not be right for us or for any woman for that matter.
If it’s a great man who’ll man up when you use this approach, kudos to you for finding him & celebrate ! Please use a PS which describes with what type of a man this approach works, otherwise I’m afraid I feel women will be misled into believing no matter what a guy does, he must be given a free pass ( even for cheating you must not lose your cool, excuse me ! Women are not equipped with supernatural powers like that & I’m afraid that includes you ! ).
Thank you, I don’t think I can re-read those tips enough. They work. 🙂 It really, really all works!
And Nora? I agree with you. There are times where it’s just plain disrespect. Those times are different – as far as the cheater goes I think throwing him through a window is not quite angry enough, I’m really, really sorry you had to go through that.
Renee, your comment reminded me of my previous relationship – I saw anything like that as directed at myself, I was completely ruled by fear. But finding a guy who can take your tactful honestly, who see’s you as a person of high value, not just a ‘wife’ or a ‘girlfriend’, or the other half…. of course I have felt angry occasionally over the last 8 months, but every single time I’ve looked at it from the point of view that he’s a person every bit as complex as myself, and I simply feel love for him. Every little bit about him makes him the beautiful person he is.
I am presently not in a relationship, but this information will be very useful when I do engage in a meaningful relationship. I adore the stay calm approach, due to the fact that I am a calm individual. I dislike arguements and confrontations, but I strongly believe in open, honest communication.
Many Thanks:)
It seems to me the important thing to remember is the reason why people tend to over-express themselves. I guess it’s because they don’t feel heard and then it becomes a habitual way of expressing themselves or maybe an escalating way of expressing themselves. I would focus on listening skills – how two people listen to each other and what makes the other feel that they’ve been heard when explaining how they feel about something the other has done/said etc. Hurting other people is something that can be done intentionally or unintentionally and it’s a good idea to have discussions based on these things – recognizing that no two people are going to have the same responses.
My Husband thinks he is ENTITLED to go to the local BAR 3-4 NITES a week to Hang with his FRIENDS. We have had MANY FIGHTS and Discussions about how INNAPROPRIATE this is for our Marriage. I don’t think Married people should go out THAT MUCH to BARS without each Other.
He says it’s his way to Unwind and if I don’t like it LEAVE. And I’m supposed to KISS UP to him and PRETEND it is OK? No Way!
Such a great article. First, Mirabelle lays out why it’s not a good idea to get mad at your partner, then she tells you how to talk about things in a healthy way. It’s true that when your feelings have been hurt, you might see it almost as a right to blame the other person for hurting you. I guess there are situations where it might take a while to pick apart what happened and why, but if you both realize there are two sides to any story and something you yourself did could have contributed to your own pain – that’s not always an easy thing to admit.