By Mirabelle Summers
Author of Get A Great Guy Guide
If you want genuine men and not just any man, this will challenge your beliefs about love and attraction, and show you the way to become a seduction success story, check this out…
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The Secret Shortcut to a Man’s Heart
Today I’m going to be sharing with you the SECRET shortcut to making a guy fall in love with you. But first, I have to warn you: this may feel unnatural.
It may feel scary and go against all of your intuitive feminine instincts.
But it works – I promise.
The secret shortcut to a man’s heart is: to let him IN, you first have to set him FREE.
Let me explain.
Men are extremely independent by nature. They like to live by their own rules and make their own decisions.
They CRAVE freedom.
One of guys biggest fears in dating is that a relationship will take AWAY all of their freedom.
A guy may have seen a woman enter one of his best buddies lives, only to find that 6 months down the track his friend is no longer turning up to golf or boys nights, AND he is selling the motorbike he used to ride every weekend.
‘No way is that happening to me’, he thinks to himself.
And as a result, the minute he senses a woman starting to organize his schedule or question how much time he spends with the guys, he leaves her without looking back.
The thing is, a man already has so many demanding responsibilities and obligations in his everyday life – don’t we all? So the LAST thing he wants is to feel that he is coming home to yet another obligation.
Obligation is like the DEATH of freedom. It’s the difference between HAVING to do something and WANTING to do something.
Obviously, the OPPOSITE of what any woman wishes to do is push the guy she likes away.
But we women have our own feminine instincts. Rather than craving freedom, we crave emotional closeness and CONNECTION. And naturally, we want to pull our men closer to us – and keep them close.
So to try to satisfy our needs for love and reassurance, we look for signs like how much time our man is spending with us, and how much he prioritizes us over other people and things in his life.
And often if we feel that we aren’t being given ENOUGH time and attention, we complain about it.
When instead, we should really be exercising the SECRET shortcut to a man’s heart.
In order to win your man’s heart forever, you have to BECOME his source of freedom!
So rather than asking yourself how you can get a guy to commit to you, ask yourself how you can build up the passion and excitement between the two of you so that he will never WANT to leave.
Make it never feel like an obligation to spend time with you. You have the POWER to create a space of passion, fun, excitement, warmth and affection.
Be the warm haven he wants to ESCAPE to at the end of the day.
Let him have freedom and space to be himself, and show your respect and admiration for everything he does.
Let him lead his life the way he wants to and be sure to have your OWN life as well.
Set him free… so that he can CHOOSE to make his way back to you.
When we love something, it is never an obligation. And when a guy feels completely unrestricted, he will make a far more amazing partner.
He will be more loving and affectionate, a better listener, less distractible, and closer to you than he has EVER allowed himself to be with anyone before.
A man who has a great relationship PLUS a strong sense of personal freedom will feel like the cat who got the cream. And you can be sure that he will KEEP coming back for that cream…
Also, if you want genuine men and not just any man, let us challenge your beliefs about love and attraction, and show you the way to become a seduction success story, check this out…
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No games. No scripted lines. Real life dating advice for real women!
I couldn’t agree more with this article. For some women the treatment works just as well 🙂
I think this is very good info and I intend on using what I have just learned.
It is very true,I need to be aware of this thing. I have a question for you. I am dating a guy who wants to have a family I mean he wants to have his own biological kids. I cannot have children, we will always said that if not only for the kids, we would have been the best partner. We have a lot in common and get along very well. Should I move on or stay. Do you think a man will give up to have kids for a woman he really love? He is still hoping he will meet someone who can fulfill his dream to have a family. He us 48 years old now and running out of time he said.
Hi Mary, thanks for sharing with us. It sounds like you are in a tough situation that unfortunately many couples face. You’ve found the perfect guy, but the fact that he desperately wants kids and you can’t is holding you apart. From what you’ve said it sounds as if having kids is a non-negotiable for the man you are dating, as you talk about this being one of his dreams. I have to ask you first, although I understand that you are unable to have children biologically yourself, if there was another option available for you and your partner would you also share this dream to have a family? Or do you not want to have children? Unfortunately, having children is usually one of the major issues that partners CAN’T disagree on in order for a relationship to work. Because if your partner doesn’t have kids, he may always feel like something is missing in his life, despite his love for you. In this case, it’s important to be clear with each other about where you stand on this topic, and then make the decision of whether it is best to move on. There is also the option of seeing a counselor with your partner if you feel you need to, as they will be experienced in dealing with situations such as yours. All in all, as amazing as your partner is (and as hard as it would be to break up), if having children is a non-negotiable for him while not having children is a non-negotiable for you, then moving on may be the best idea. If you are open to the idea of having children, then I would highly recommend that you are your partner see a fertility specialist or fertility counselor together to discuss your options for having children. For instance, there may be options such as still having your partner’s biological children with a donor’s egg (sorry I don’t know enough about your situation to know whether this is feasible). But whatever you decide, make sure that you have had a deep and open discussion with your partner first. I really hope it all works out for the best for you Mary. Thanks again for sharing with us.
Mary,
There are also surrogates who can carry your egg and his sperm…to grow the baby. Please think about whether or not you actually want to raise a child for the rest of your life. It is a huge responsibility but also immensely rewarding. You need to first decide if being a mother is something that you want to do. If not, there are plenty of men who don’t want children…. Be fair(not selfish) with your man who does want to be a father. Please don’t hold him back. Do the right thing for both of you or you will not only resent him, but the child as well. Gabrielle
So if you set him free and he never comes back, does that mean he was wrong to begin with? And if so, what did I/we do wrong in the beginning to even end up like this?
Hi Vic, please let us know more information about your situation so we can help to answer your questions 🙂
Thank you for this great advice. I only wish I would have known it sooner…my boyfriend broke up with me and this is exactly why. I didn’t give him the freedom he desired and needed. Hard lesson to learn 🙁
I totally get the concept that a man should be independent. And now I understand the reason why my boyfriend wants to go out every weekend with me. According to this article, I’m his source of freedom. I guess I’ve sort of sensed this but have never been able to put that concept into words before. But I have a problem with this because it makes me feel “used.” My boyfriend “Jack” works all week – day and night. He doesn’t communicate and barely talks during the week because he’s always in the garage. Whenever I complain about it he says, “But don’t I take you out every weekend? Don’t I spend time with you?” He seems to think THAT makes up for his lack of connection during the rest of the week. I feel like he could have a roommate or hooker to serve his purposes. I don’t nag or complain about anything, nor do I ask for anything except for the fact that I’d really, really like to be able to talk – and expect him to ask me some questions about ME once in awhile. Getting away on weekends is the only thing he wants to ever do. I try to explain that I need more, and he claims he doesn’t understand. Am I expecting too much?
I have always let my husband do whatever he wants. But i thins he feel guilty about. I really don’t mind when he go out to do his things and i stay at home to enjoy myself. he is asking me to have my social life but i am really ok with stay home. i really don’t know what to do now.
Hlw, I have this guy my sister introduced me to him, the first day we met he wanted to have sex with me but I refused coz I thought we need to know each other better before we go any further, he seems to understand and we become friends, as the day went by I started having some feelings for him and I told him that I love him, since I talked to him about that he distance himself from me, but we chart and talk almost everyday, sometimes he is in sometimes he is out, he cares and lovable. when I told him about us meeting he will provide some excuses that ill never understand, or we might meet once a month. please help me to understand this man, I really love him.
I met a collegue of mine. We used to tease each other. We had a great platonic relationship. As time went by I began to have feelings for him. But he had a steady girlfriend he intends to marry some day soon. It happened that one day he took me to a motel & we made love. After that we drifted apart but remained good friends. Then after 1 & a half years he took me back to that same motel & we made love again. What does this mean? He still sees his girl friend. Please let me know where this is heading? I really love this guy.
Hi, I have a Guy he is 11yrs older than me with some health issues. He lives with me as a house mat but we are not intimidate due to my religious restrictions. I am mMuslim and he is Hindu.I feel he is clingy whenever i am home he tries to spend time with me takes me out for driving and movies. However I share the cost because I am his friend not a girl friend. I told him that if we get marry only I can intimate.
however I do not have any feelings for him because
he is a little fat 95kg
snores at night due to sleep apnea
Religion difference
I am fit, good looking and Independent. I enjoy his company and think I should wait for the right person.What would you think?
Note: I’m writing this being interested in human psychology in general & being a generally observant woman on human behavior, some from my own & my friends experiences.I’m not a dating coach, but you can take a fellow woman’s advice if you like it ? 🙂 If you like to, read on …
Dear Nancy,
He wanted to have sex on first date.You refuse which is a great thing you did. Seems like this guy is only looking for a fling, which he knew you won’t provide.( If you were ready, you would just be that – a fling for him). So he figured you could be “friends”. Flings don’t provide him emotional support that a woman friend does.So,he’ll get best of both worlds – fling on one side – friend on the other.Life was going happily for him – he’s getting both needs met.
Now, you fall for him & let him know.He’s not ready for a relationship(may be with you or may be with anyone right now – we just don’t know ), so he’s going off. But he misses his “Friend” sometimes, so he talks to you sometimes. This is selfish behavior. If in a “Friends” scenario, one of them falls for the other & the other doesn’t share those feelings, it’s best to end the “Friendship”, ‘coz there’s no friendship left when one starts to have feelings for the “friend”.
Friendship is when both parties feel platonic, no one gets hurt in this. One person likes the other, the other knows & can’t reciprocate due to whatever reason, yet continues the friendship is extremely selfish & this person is not your “friend” anymore anyway.
He’s not on the same page as you.Break up the “friendship” & move on to a guy who don’t have to wonder about & who won’t run hot & cold on you.Trust me, you’re worth it – you’ll be happy you did that.
@Dianne, He only sees you to make love ? You’re still wondering where it’s heading. Well, it’s heading towards you being his booty call ? You deserve much more. When he calls again, don’t take the call or just let him know you’ve a boyfriend now & can’t make love with him anymore ‘coz unlike him you plan to be loyal to your bf ( even if it’s a lie ie having a bf ).As soon as he knows you won’t be his booty call, his “love” for you will disappear. No problem to worry about. 🙂 You can then be free to look for a man with whom life is not complicated this way !
Dear Jabeen,
Clearly you don’t like the guy.when you like a guy, you don’t go on forums asking strangers what they think you must do. You just know that this man is for you. If you don’t have that feeling, then just move on – ask him to move ( after finding a job or whatever ) & just move on to a guy you may like. Leave the poor guy alone, don’t drag him hoping you’ll some day like him.
This information was very useful although I did have alot of sympathy for the lady that can’t have kids ( Mary ) I had a partner and he was 11 years younger than me, I told him from the start I couldnt have kids and even though he hasn’t got any kids he told me it was his choice to be with me and it didn’t matter about having them, my point is he told me i was the one and the love of his life and yet he walked out on me in May this year without a word I still don’t know why,I wish you all the best and hope you can be together forever
jabeen, You have answered your own question. Regardless of the reasons, you “do not have any feelings for him,” and should certainly wait for/ find someone who you will have feelings for, and who will have feelings for you, of course. Having a friendship with this man is fine, but only if you are honest with him.
Please do not give this housemate false hope by speaking of marriage and intimacy. DO NOT tell him that the only way you can be intimate with him is if you get married, because this makes you sound like you might be interested in marrying him – but you have stated here that you are NOT interested! Be honest about your feelings of friendship, but be clear that you do not have feelings that would lead to intimacy and marriage.
If he can accept just friendship with you, that’s great. If he cannot, then for your own comfort and his, you would need to end the relationship and change your living arrangements. Don’t let him think there is hope for more with you, when according to your stated feelings, there is not. If he has strong feelings for you, and it sounds like he may, it would only hurt him to watch you go out with other men.
Do NOT “settle” for a relationship, or even worse, marriage with a man you do not have feelings for. You would both be unhappy, sooner or later. And do not spend all your free time with him. If you spend evenings and weekends with your housemate, you restrict your opportunities to meet other men. Go out with female friends, get involved in activities you enjoy, and let yourself be open to meeting quality men, preferably through people that you know. Stay safe and be careful about who you spend time with, but be open to love, and allow space in your life for it to happen.
Best of luck and good fortune!
I have been talking and seeing a guy on occasion for over a year now. He is almost 43 and never been married. I am 40. His elderly mom lives with him. He works a lot. I feel like I have given him his space and freedom, but he still will not commit to us being exclusive as boyfriend and girlfriend. I do not bring it up or try to put pressure on him. I’m really confused though because he has talked about it in the past. Early on he had said he wanted us to be exclusive eventually. I received my divorce 5 months ago and he said he felt better about seeing me after that. Now, he seems to get distant sometimes when he says he’s not trying to and even apologized about it without me saying anything last night. I told him I felt like he was afraid to get close to me and he said he was a little and that he felt like I was wasting my time. He said I deserve someone who has time to do normal stuff with me, whatever that means. I am smart enough to know that when a man really wants to be with a woman he will make the time no matter how busy he is. I know he can make time for me because he has I just think he’s afraid for some reason. I don’t know how to help him not be afraid. He said in our last phone conversation he likes for me to say I want him to call him and to let him know when I’m available for him to see me. He said he follows my lead on that. He said it made him feel better. I’m so confused. He pursued me at first, but now it’s as if he wants me to pursue him or does he? Or is this his way of trying to let me go? He has told me he’s not going anywhere, that there is no one else and that he wants to be with me. Oh and he also said he didn’t want me to go out with anyone else. So which way is it? Please help! I’ve been waiting on him to say that he wants me to be his girlfriend and for us to be exclusive.
Every time I read articles like this I think: HOW MUCH FREEDOM IS TOO MUCH? How much should we put up with to be the cool girlfriend? Is it ok that he goes out and socialises with his ex? That he takes female friends to the movies? That he goes on holiday with other people? Where do you draw the line between being cool and giving him freedom and simply being a doormat that lets him get away with absolutely everything??
Of course he will come back if you let him do whatever the hell he wants, all men like to have their cake and eat it too.
Ladies,
Please stop believing men secretly want something but haven’t told you. They are simple creatures. They will tell you what they need or what they want. If you can’t do that for them, they will move on. Not right this minute if you are giving up the goods, because sex is a need for them. So be sure if he is telling you he wants kids and you can’t have them or that he is going to marry someone else, he will leave you as soon as he finds it. I am sorry to be harsh, but the sooner you come to terms with this the sooner you can move on with your life and find someone who wants YOU!
I read these articles wondering if there is any new information, I don’t know… but it all boils down to the same thing. Let the guy be a guy and believe what he is telling you.
You create your own happiness and only you are responsible for it!
I recently started dating a man. Everyone I talk to tells me he is one of the best men they know (both male and female friends of his). I have been trying to practice this method of giving him space and freedom ever since we started dating. I have been told in the past by men that I try to hard or I push to much so this time I am doing it different. I do not call or text him except in the morning to say good morning and again at night other then that it is his move. Both of us have been thru very bad relationships and neither one of us is ready to jump into a marriage or living together situation. Here is the issue I am having, there is times I will not hear from him at all for a couple of days other then the moring text. I know he works alot and is not always able to call or text but in my opinion if a man is interested he shows it. He tells me he likes me and he is not looking for anything or anyone else. When we are together he is great affectionate and caring but when we are apart its like Im an after thought. He took me to meet his entire family over the holiday and from what I understand his friends have not seen him with anyone in a very long time until we met. Im not sure if I should say anything about the feelings I have for him to tell the truth I am in Love with this man or if I should just let it run the course and hope for the best. I really do not want to waste my time on a relationship Im hoping will occur and it never does. I keep telling myself that he would not have taken me home with him for the holiday or take me around his friends if he was not wanting to move forward but on the other hand I have this nagging voice that says if he felt the same as I do he would just say it. I know he has been hurt and he has told me he does not trust himself when it comes to relationships and love.
I’m at an all time low. I’ve been with this guy for a little over a year now. we broke up twice. the first time he left he said it was because i was to emotional but that’s not true. we got back together. i ended up moving in with him and we were together for about 6 months when he said he just wasn’t happy and didn’t want to stay in the relationship anymore. i realized later on that his exwife had been texting him asking him to come back. they’ve had a long history together and i should’ve known. anyway i moved in with my parents totally devastated that the thought of death felt like a godsend. i turned into a hermit lost weight rapidly, couldn’t eat or sleep, finally i started to work on myself and try to move on the best i could. he started texting me a few months later telling me how big a mistake he’d made and that he didn’t realize how much a person could effect him like i did. that he never stopped loving me or thinking about me. we texted for a couple of months and then one day he shows up on my parents door step begging me to take him back. he even proposed to me. i loved him so much so of course naturally i took him back. he moved in with me a while later and got a job in my town, but he was miserable at his new job so he found out that he could have his old one back and you guessed it i moved back to his town with him so he could get his old job back. i found a job and things were good for awhile, but now his exwife has been texting him again and he’s been acting different. i confronted him and told him that it hurt that he won’t make her stop and that i feel like its rude and disrespectful and that i would never do that to him. then last night i saw that she’s texting him some more and i told him i couldn’t take it anymore. he basically told me that i had one of two choices either leave the relationship as friends or stay here and continue on till we hate each other. I’m so lost, scared, and an emotional wreck I’ve started losing more weight and the stress of losing him is so bad that i haven’t been able to keep food down in over 2wks. i don’t even know what sleep is anymore when i do sleep its because I’ve collapsed from exhaustion. i really don’t want to give up on him. i truly believe he’s the man i was meant to be with. any advise as to what i should do. please I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown but have no money for the program. I’m desperately crying out for some sign of keeping my sanity.
I was married to a man who left home at 7am and came back at 11pm almost every day. I gave him all the freedom he could ever want – freedom to have his obsessive hobby; work for his own business (which failed time after time) ; go back to school; have his friends… Somehow he never had that need to protect me or do his part in the relationship. He claimed he loved and respected me more than anyone else in the world. He didn’t seem to understand that I needed more and I really was just asking for a BIT more of his time and some dedication to the relationship(helping to manage the money, do some work around the house, cultivate the marriage) I was very clear to tell him he could keep his hobby and friends etc but that I was never a priority in his life. Sure, he came home when he needed clean clothes or food or sex… he came home when HE felt like it. I ended up feeling like the maid, the cook, his blowup sex doll and his mother…
Oddly enough, HE was the one saying he wanted kids(we were having trouble getting pregnant) so it was very confusing to match his actions to words because he claimed to want a home life, but never came home to have one.
Am I the cool wife?? or the stupid doormat?? How do we know the difference??
Needless to say our marriage did not survive after almost 16 years of this. I have been single and dating now for almost 8 years (I am only 46) and am finding all men want endless amounts of freedom or FWB. I am not demanding or unreasonable but I need to feel like I am important in the relationship and not an appendix to someone else’s life. How do you accomplish this without squelching his need for freedom but get your needs met at the same time??
My best friend is a guy, well of course im a female. When I meet my boyfriend he knew about him. But didn’t really go into detail till about 3 years ago. We have been together 8 years now. On December 21 2015, I did a terrible thing. I lied to him. I told him that I was at home in bed, but really I was at my guy friend’s house instead. We were not doing anything never have and never will. Now because I lied, my boyfriend thinks we are messing around. We have been separated ever since. I am currently trying to get him back. Can you help me get my boyfriend back?
My best friend is a guy, well of course im a female. When I meet my boyfriend he knew about him. But didn’t really go into detail till about 3 years ago. We have been together 8 years now. On December 21 2015, I did a terrible thing. I lied to him. I told him that I was at home in bed, but really I was at my guy friend’s house instead. We were not doing anything never have and never will. Now because I lied, my boyfriend thinks we are messing around. We have been separated ever since. I am currently trying to get him back. We talk everyday, not long, and everyday we talk i tell him how sorry I am. Can you or someone give me the best way to get my boyfriend back?
Okay so my boyfriend and I moved in together about 5 months ago. We have been together over a year now and for some reason everything has gone down hill and he is pulling away. So he called for a break as he was still living in the apartment with me. He said that the spark was not there anymore and that something was different between us, but I never felt it being different between us at all. We got along just fine, we did not argue at all during the break. The only thing we were missing throughout the break was affection from him. Now he says he is going to move out but he does not know when. How to I get him rapped around my figure and make him not want to leave?
Thank you Maya, you said everything I was thinking. My now ex husband was a play-aholic. He always wanted his freedom to go out with his friends, hunting, fishing, running, biking, swimming, sporting events etc… I let him go but when I decided to just make plans without him he got pissed. When I decided to have a life he wasn’t having any of that. So he cheated on me and blamed me for not being a good wife. When we were going through the divorce my friends all said my life without him would be no different. I was a single mom married as I have been for the 11 years we have been divorced. Freedom is fine if they know how to commit, if not you are better without them.
Unfortunately, the opposite has happened for me. I met a wonderful man & became instant best friends. We had so many common interests & shared new interests & adventures with each other, almost like we were made for each other. A few months later he indicated he wanted a relationship, we started dating, slept together & he said he loved me (I was stunned since I had not said it yet). We only had weekends & vacations to spend together. 5 years in, I never once denied him his time with his buds (golfing, fishing, crabbing, hunting, etc), some I would’ve liked to have been included in, but I kept my mouth shut so as not to “nag”. It finally got to the point by our 6th year, that we never saw each other. It was like he was avoiding me, couldn’t stand to be with me. We’re not kids either, I’m in my 50s & he’s in his 60s. It ended, said he didn’t want to be in a relationship, which crushed me. Wants to stay friend, but is too painful for me.This is not my idea of how to “keep” a man.
I’ve known this guy for well over a year. In the beginning he was perfect. In every way. He had two marriages. One was over 30 yrs and the one to a female 30 yrs younger was 6 yrs. He’s finally got his own home. His own everything and is independent for the first time in his life. I try to give him space. We live separately. Lately I feel he’s pulling away. I’m fairly sure there is no one else. How do I keep him in my life? I’m proud of his accomplishments and have told him so. I’m going through some medical problems and need him more than ever. We don’t ever talk about love. At first it was he who said it first but the ex interfered a few times which separated us. He’s finally done with her. Should I just give up? I am widowed. Had a good marriage until 2years ago. We are so good together. Maybe too good?
This design is steller! You certainly know how to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Wonderful job. I really enjoyed what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!
After a fight that was mostly my fault last week my BF and I made up but he seemed distant. I said some things out of anger but apologized and promised to work on my issues and I am. I decided to give him some space by backing way off on texting and not initiating conversation or asking to make plans. I am starting to recognize I was a bit clingy. He did initiate texting me a few times to which I responded. I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing? Am I creating enough space or too much? Does this rubber band effect come into play after a fight? Do I actually address giving him space and ask if that’s what he wants?
Yes, both partners need to be ready to get closer. It’s a dance and they show each other how ready they are. It’s possible two people have been together in a way for a long time yet they still have closer to go. How close is closer?
Hello, thank you so much for your brilliant ideas.I want to ask your help also about my relationship with my bf now. We are just 4 months in our relationship and we were already intimate on our 3rd date. He brought me to a hotel on thaf 3rd date asking if its ok with me. I could not refused because we were already there when he told me and besides I do like him also. My problem now is that in our 4 months relationship he never invited me in his house and does not even tell his 2 sons about us. He seldom texts me in a day and just see me when he wanted to have sex with me. What is this? For me communication is very important in a relationship to make us closer and connected. I felt being neglected and abused as far as sex is concerned. He never introduces me to his friends or family circle as well. Am I just rushing? I am 45 yrs old and he is 54. I think we both are mature enough to handle a relationship. Thinking that we are already adults I want us to be united or to be together the soonest since we are already getting old and I want him to be my partner for life. Is there anything that you can advise me what to do with this or to him? We are both had a bad and broken marriages before and we are both annulled now. Can you help me or tell me why he is like this? Does he have some fear from his bad experience? I never demanded anything from him not even nagged him. I just swallowed everything that he did because I love him and I want to give him time as well. I patiently waited for this 4 months. But now I realized and had already doubted him whether he is up to a long term relationship , whether he is i to commitment or not. Or is he just after for his sexual urge and used me? Please I need your help and advise regarsing this matter. When I asked him when will he introduce me to his two sons and allow me to visit in his house he would just answer, “we will come to that soon”, but when would be that soon? So I have decided that this April when we turn 5 months ifhe will still not invite me to his house then it means he is not sincere and he has no plan to take me for life and he has no plan for a commitment. Is this a good or wise decision to take? Do I still need to give him more time? Thank you very much for being a blessing to us here who badly need your advise. More power to you and God bless.
If you start hovering around (quite often unconsciously) he will start perceiving you as his … mother!
Asking where he went, what he did, and who he was with — this is something that mothers do, not romantic lovers.
Becoming his mother leads to the loss of sexual attraction (towards you) .. You may think you were ‘just caring’ but to him – you became his mom. ouch..
People probably have different reasons for limiting other people’s freedom. Their reasons are probably something to do with themselves i.e. they aren’t comfortable with their own freedom or they lack ways to spend their time productively and so want their partner to be around more. Neither of these ways (and probably there are many more negative things people wish to avoid)are healthy. In fact they show some unhealthy dependency. As Brooke says people need a good amount of freedom to achieve their goals and if it’s hampered they won’t enjoy the relationship nearly as much. It’s best to see your time together as a reward – something very enjoyable and profitable. Thanks for the article – it got me thinking 🙂
my late husband said i was too smothering,after the birth of our first child, i too quickly became pregnant again, one night,i felt like i was going into labor, i called him at work and asked him to come home instead of going out for pizza and a beer with the guys,i pulled the hide-a-bed out and was laying on it crying when he finally came home,i had indeed lost the baby,and had it and all i had passed in a clean margerine tub.he got mad and said why didn’t i call him,i reminded him that i did call,but he made it clear hisplans for going out with the guys were more important than being there for me when i needed him.his attitude continued throughout our 39 year marriage, i gave him his freedom several times,but he kept coming back,making promises he never kept-that he was going to change and make me and the kids more of a priority.i should have never taken him back,water under the bridge.three beautiful boys and four miscarriages.after the last miscarriage, he asked me if i had it on purpose,just to hurt him,because i didn’t want any more of his children.he was emotionally and verbally abusive,i’m amazed we stayed together as long as we did.his favorite thing to say wa that the boys and i were a millstone around his neck,and if not for us, he would be free to do what god wanted him to do.i would follow by saying, maybe what god wants you to do is be a good husband and father.he wanted to travel the country and become a famousevangelist/worship leader.that was not a good idea,he was also a sex addict.our marriage would have fallen apart quickly,as it was he did a lot to sabotage our marriage-had an affair,he said he chose to do it,he went out looking for it, it didn’t just happen.he actively sought it-placed an ad in a magazine,conscience choices.at the end-he was very ill with heart diseases,and i couldn’t let him die alone,i stayed with him to the end,because, when it came right down to it, i still loved him.
So I pulled all the wrong moves! I knew I wasn’t ready to date but did anyway and started to really like this guy after almost a month of him calling and texting all the time, three days in a row he barely called. I felt insecure and instead of telling him how ended up crying and saying that I didn’t want to date anyone else.
Well I realized about a week later that I messed up acting that way, but I was still so insecure from my last relationship, which was emotionally abusive, but ended in January that it didn’t dawn on me until this happened that I still needed to work on me.
I’ve been doing that and in the process he’s contacted me once. Last week with simple hi, how are you. I kept it short and sweet didn’t bring up the issue that drove him away. I have not contacted since last week nor do I plan to, but I want to try again. I want him to know that I am not the same person I was a few months ago when I had my meltdown. I feel like it could work if he would be open, but I also feel like he’s not engaged. He’s always in his head thinking about work and I feel like no matter what the might say or do he won’t care. I am hopeful, but I’m not sure what to do or say anymore if he does contact me.
I was the one who is asking for that freedom in our relationship but he resented me for it. I have him plenty of course. My stupid boyfriend never gave me that so I left him.