By Slade Shaw
Author of Why Men Pull Away
Learn exactly what pushes men to leave…and how to NEVER feel abandoned or rejected
Why Men Pull Away…and What Makes Them STAY In Love
Do You Change When In A Relationship?
Men are funny creatures. Many of them believe – without any sense of irony – that committing to a girl is like a death sentence, because a girl who’s comfortable in her relationship will:
* Stop wearing sexy underwear,
* Gain weight,
* Start nagging, and
* Turn into his mother.
Ridiculous, I know!
But then I thought about the young women I knew who’d settled into long-term relationships…
…And I realized that very few of them looked as healthy as they did when they were single.
Most of them were significantly heavier, and they didn’t smile as easily as they used to. All the vibrancy they once had was gone.
What had happened? Was this a natural part of the process of getting older? Was it a consequence of getting comfortable in their relationships? Or were these young women just not making an effort anymore?
REVIEW: YOUR BODY IS MORE THAN AN OBJECT
Let’s review some body philosophy here.
No matter what age you are at in life, your body is a temple. Regardless of whether you are 20 or 40, in a relationship or single, skinny or overweight, your body deserves nurturing and care.
Your body should move easily and lightly, with grace and elegance. You should feel comfortable walking without experiencing shortness of breath. You should feel free to dance and move your body in joyous ways, without caring if anybody is looking.
We’re gotten misled by the cosmetics and fashion industries to believe that it’s our body’s APPEARANCE that matters most.
Yes, your appearance matters some, but not as much as how you MOVE.
The way you hold yourself and make even the slightest gesture tells a man a lot about who you are.
A woman who is comfortable in her own skin will smile easily, laugh easily, touch someone else easily, and move with grace. HEALTH is irresistible to men.
But all too often, we treat our bodies as sexual objects that we adorn to attract to men. It’s almost as if our bodies are things that BELONG to us, rather than BEING us. We say things like, “He only wants you for your body.” We even feel that our bodies actually come between us and the pure love we desire.
But if you disassociate from your body and look at something you own, rather than who you are, then you’re going to have a hard time attracting good men.
You see, men can immediately tell whether a woman is comfortable in her body, and a woman who is comfortable in her own skin is a big turn-on.
Men know that she’ll be more fun in the bedroom, because she won’t be worried about her “wobbly bits” or being seen naked by him.
She won’t be self-conscious about her body, either, which is also wonderfully attractive.
In fact, I would even go so far as to say that it’s more important to (most) men that you’re comfortable in your skin than that you have a great body!
So, from this perspective, then, it shouldn’t matter if a woman gains weight when she’s in a relationship. As long as she loves her body, that’s all that matters … right?
HOW RELATIONSHIPS AFFECT YOUR WEIGHT
Weight isn’t just a matter of looking good. It’s also a matter of being healthy.
As we get older, we all gain weight. Part of gaining weight in a relationship is the simple process of getting older. Our metabolism slows down, and we no longer burn off calories so easily.
Too, when we’re in a relationship, we often find ourselves eating more food than we would have if we were single. I notice this all the time at home.
When my partner dishes up the dinner he’s cooked, he always gives us equal portions … never mind the fact that I’m half his size! I have to be very aware that if I ate the same as he did, my weight would balloon out of proportion.
Being in a relationship also creates temptation. When you’re in a relationship, it can be all too easy to indulge together. You want to spoil one another, and one of the easiest ways to do this is through food.
You may find yourself eating dessert more or drinking more than you would if you lived alone.
Too, you may find it more difficult to stay physically active when you’re in a relationship. Whereas you had a lot of time as a single person to go to the gym, go running or play sports, you now fill up that spare time with couple activities.
And when there’s a choice between snuggling up on the sofa and going to the gym, you tend to choose the former.
It can be scary to see that you’ve put on ten pounds since you started dating, but the measurement on those scales is your wakeup call.
At a certain point, you will have to make a break with the indulgent lifestyle of courtship and find ways to maintain your weight within the relationship, if you are going to stay healthy.
If you have to lose weight on your own, it will be much harder than doing it as a couple. That’s why I often recommend that couples make staying healthy a priority TOGETHER.
They can encourage one another to make healthy food choices, cook low-calorie meals, and stay physically active.
For example, a thirty-minute stroll after dinner is a great way to unwind and much better for you than watching a sitcom on television.
You may never get back that body you had when you were 18 and tearing up the town, but I wouldn’t worry too much about it. As long as you’re healthy and full of energy, it doesn’t matter if you’ve got a spot of cellulite or wider hips.
For most men, curves on a woman are alluring. Men realize that real women don’t look like centerfolds, and they honestly don’t mind. They find you attractive for YOU.
DON’T RUN YOURSELF DRY
Many men believe that women don’t make the same effort with their appearance once they’ve gotten into a relationship. They think that the only reason women try to look good is in order to attract a man. Once she’s got him, she doesn’t need to try anymore.
I think this is a bunch of baloney. Women want to look good for a number of reasons, of which attracting a man is only a small part. We enjoy feeling healthy and looking great, regardless of whether there’s a man in our life.
But sometimes life gets us down. We have so many pressures on us that we just want to veg when we get home. We want to put our hair in a ponytail and throw on our sweat pants. We don’t have the time or energy to look sexy 24-7.
So it’s not the relationship per se that makes a woman quit putting as much effort into her appearance. Rather, it’s LIFE. When a woman is busy and stressed, she can’t put her whole heart and mind into looking sexy for her partner, because she’s got other things on her mind.
She may need help with everything that needs doing, and when her partner doesn’t respond, nagging him is a pretty natural reaction.
No wonder men think that women let themselves go when they get into a relationship. It’s because life gets so overwhelming!
If you feel like you’ve become tired, overweight, and completely uninspired when it comes to feeling attractive, then you need to make a serious life assessment.
If you keep up the pace as it is now, the stress may bleed your relationship dry.
You need to make time for fun. You need to make time for YOU. You need to give yourself the space and leisure time to remember what it feels like to be beautiful.
We women are lucky in many ways. We have a number of beauty treatments available to us to help us feel more in tune with our bodies, including massage, facials, and manicures. Simply going to a day spa can help us feel more centered, grounded, and refreshed.
You may not feel that you deserve it. Spending so much money on yourself can be scary. Too, you may not feel that you have the time. There’s so much to do, and if YOU don’t do it, you worry that it won’t get done or it will get done wrong.
So you soldier on, self-importantly … and get more irritable and short-tempered by the minute.
For your partner’s sake and your own, you have to ask yourself the question: are all those “important” things in your life really so important? Do you REALLY have to have everything done perfectly? Can’t you delegate, even if it means giving up a tiny bit of control?
If you take the time to consider these ideas and develop a plan to stay healthy, both physically and emotionally, then your relationship will reap the rewards.
You don’t have to be skinny and submissive to be a good partner, but you DO have to be healthy and happy. If you feel that your gorgeous radiance has started to go dim, do something about it!
If you’re ready to take the plunge and learn why men pull away – Click here to watch my free video presentation…
Why Men Pull Away…and What Makes Them STAY In Love (VIDEO)
I loved this blog! It is both a reminder and a wake-up call for all women, though I will take it to heart as I often put everyone else before myself. I needed the reminder that I need to take the time to put myself and the things I need a top priority. Thank you!
I have not gained weight after getting married – 26 years later, I am only one size larger, but I have run myself ragged. I should have loved myself more! My husband is irrisponsible and everything had fallen on me so I did it all, and it was not easy because not only did I work and take care of everything in the house but I dedicated myself to our handicapped daughter. Then he wondered, how I don’t ever have the energy for anything but to see a movie. He just wants to have fun all the time. Total split of realities. This is the extreme of examples, but the result is the same. We are now going through a divorce. And don’t think that I didn’t make it clear before we got married that for me there was no such thing as man’s work and woman’s work. We discussed it but at that point (he was head over heels) he would have agreed to ANYTHING just to have me. But when the ring was on, he decided he married his mother. It’s not only women who change when married – men do to. They may think they will live differently than their parents, but I think if they have no other models, they model what they know. In his family, his mother was the cook, the cleaning lady and the one who took care of her sons. The father went to work and when at home was served. The old adage is “if you want to see what kind of woman she’ll be, look at her mother”. Well, if you want to see what kind of husband he’ll be, look at the roles and relationships in his family. Goes both ways.
I feel ya. When single, you do all these good things for yourself. When your in a relationship, it becomes tiring and find that I barely have time to do anything by myself. God knows its like pulling teeth just to have it. Sometimes I wonder if its worth it, trading your time in for someone elses.
I’m just so sad that we divorced. She had a miscarriage(her 1st time pregnant at 45) and was her 2nd marriage, my 1st at 54. We were just married 1 year.She had just started a job and knew I was disabled when we met, so I stayed at home. One night after a spat about spending over budget a few hundred dollars(we had $10,000 in the bank)she said I broke a trust and filed for divorce. Because we lived in a state with no-fault divorce 30 days later it was final(July 2013). I signed the papers because she was exhausted and on the verge of a breakdown, now I want to reconcile, but she has cut off all contact, except the mail. She lives on one coast, I the other. We did so well together and had fun, but a recent tooth extraction on me and my poor health led to a grumpy attitude by me and things got testy. Did she just stop the way it was during the beginning of the marriage, because she stopped smiling, talking, and giving hugs and kisses? I desire the marriage back, but she said she got married to fast(she knows the score) and wants to find herself(With someone else?)Just respectful of her decision, though mine is ignored. Thanks, maybe this article is why?
This is a great article. I love to be fit and healthy and having a partner who feels the same is great way to stay that way.
There is so much satisfaction to be gained from being in a long-term relationship that I can imagine that’s one reason for some women not making so much effort with their appearance as they did before being in one. However, it’s a bit of a paradox as there is just as much reason to make an effort as there ever was as a single person – in fact there is more. For one thing you have someone else to take into consideration when it comes to choosing clothes that suit you or wearing things he particularly seems to respond to – isn’t that fun?
One thing that’s tricky for me is the eating thing as I love food that isn’t the healthiest but I know what’s good for me. I think at the beginning of a new relationship I may find this aspect challenging but I also know the downside of not fitting into my clothes 🙂
Remembering my marriage (so long ago) Both my children came too soon, definitely not planned. He didn’t like the responsibility and so found his own activities out side of our home. After the divorce and a lot of soul searching, I realized he married me because I was pretty/beautiful and independent. Children are a responsibility and I found I was taking care of them on my own with little time for myself. I don’t regret taking on the responsibility – my children shared my happiest moments and still are as adults.