By Slade Shaw
Author of Why Men Pull Away
Learn exactly what pushes men to leave…and how to NEVER feel abandoned or rejected
Why Men Pull Away…and What Makes Them STAY In Love
The Truth About Men And Sex
Do you want to find out what sex really means to men? What it is they are TRULY asking from you when the lights go down?
Sex is a valuable component of any healthy romantic relationship. And if you’re dating a guy, soon enough you might start thinking about taking your relationship to this level.
But sex is also an area in which a person can feel really vulnerable, especially if they are still getting to know someone.
And unfortunately, men and women often misinterpret messages from one another in the bedroom, which can lead to a lot of pain or offence.
For instance, a common thing I hear from women is that a guy they are seeing seems to be “only interested in getting them into the bedroom”.
As a result, these women can feel unvalued and neglected because their emotional needs seem to be being disregarded.
Today I am going to be breaking down what sex REALLY means to men and explaining why men and women sometimes have trouble understanding what each other needs. Prepare yourself for some surprises!
Note: In this article I am talking strictly about sex between dating or relationship partners, rather than one-night stands or casual flings.
The sexual dilemma.
On the most basic level, research suggests that men DO have a higher sex drive than women. Men generally report wanting sex and thinking about sex more often than women (but of course there are always exceptions).
But the thing is, differences in sex drive is not usually the main issue when it comes to problems in a couple’s sex life.
Instead, what it often comes down to is a difference in the pathways between sex and emotions. Let me explain.
It is not uncommon for a woman to report that man she is dating – particularly if he is younger – only seems to be interested in getting her into the bedroom.
Because of her man’s eagerness for sex, it’s easy for this to be taken this as meaning that he is ONLY interested in sex, rather than in her as a person.
And in SOME unfortunate cases, you will come across a guy who truly doesn’t want commitment. But these men probably aren’t going to be the ones interested in going out on proper dates – so you should weed them out pretty quickly.
But as for the rest of the male population, the idea that men ‘only’ want sex is actually far from the truth.
Instead, through sex, a man is trying to fulfill a deep desire to connect with the woman he is with, express his love in the way he knows best, and fulfill his own need to feel desired by HER.
So in the case of a younger man dating an older women, one of the reasons he’s going to be so motivated to rock her world in the bedroom is because he will be very aware that she has probably had previous sexual partners before, and he will want to prove himself by giving her something she’s never had before.
But woman often have a problem with the way that men approach sex. Because although sex is usually up there in their relationship needs, it is definitely not at the top of the list.
For you, emotional needs such as quality time, affirmations of love and meaningful conversation may come in before sex. In fact, you may need these needs to be fulfilled by your man in order to feel desirable and in the mood for sex.
And because these are the things which make you feel the most loved, you seek out these from your man before you seek out sex. And if your man tries to initiate sex with you when you feel he has been neglecting any of these needs, it can feel like an insult.
In fact, the times you most want to be ripping off your man’s clothes is after he has just treated you to a romantic night out, said something really meaningful or supported you through a tough time.
But here’s the thing: men are often just the opposite. He has all of the same emotional and sexual needs, but they come in a different order.
For him, sex is what makes him feel the MOST loved and desired by you, and he will seek this out before things like deep conversations and verbal expressions of your love. To him, sex may be the clearest way that you can express your love for him.
Men DO want all the love, trust, cuddling and intimacy that you do, but this side of them is usually unlocked DURING and AFTER sex.
Sex is what helps men to get in touch with their emotions. Often, it is after sex that men are at their most vulnerable, and this is when they will seek to connect to you with greater intimacy – through cuddles, affection, words of love and meaningful conversations.
Because sex means so much to men, if your sex life isn’t going well, it can be as crushing for him as it may feel for you if he suddenly stopped complimenting you and telling you how much he loves you.
And because his highest love need is not being met right now, he may withdraw from you and be less capable of meeting your highest love needs.
Make sense?
The trouble is, often what we feel most comfortable GIVING to our partner in a relationship is what WE need most ourselves.
So perhaps if your relationship has gone a bit downhill, you might make an effort to compliment your man more, tell him you love him and ask him about how his day has been, in hope that he will do the same back to you.
But what your man might do instead is try to initiate sex more and get you in the mood, because this is what HE really needs to feel loved right now. Which you might interpret as him being insensitive and just wanting sex, which could actually make you even LESS in the mood.
Can you see what an agonizing situation this can become?
Basically, both men and women want sex, love and intimacy.
But while men need sex in order to connect with their emotions and move into deeper levels of intimacy, women need that deep emotional connection before they can truly let go in the bedroom.
So one of the keys to maintaining a great relationship is for both partners to understand each other’s needs when it comes to sex and intimacy.
Continue below and I will delve further into why sex is such a high priority to men.
Men need sex to feel loved.
First of all, let’s be honest: sex doesn’t ALWAYS feel romantic. Sometimes it may feel more lighthearted, less ‘deep’ and more about the pure physical release.
But is that what guys always experience? Just the pleasure and the release? Or does sex mean something more?
Research has suggested that sex means a lot more than the pure physical – it is strongly linked to a guy’s emotions. Without it, a man won’t feel completely loved by his partner.
Women often have insecurities about their appearance and about whether their man really loves them. But guys often have serious insecurities about whether or not they are desirable to us as well.
Sex makes a guy feel wanted and desired by the woman he is with – in a way that may mean more to him that even hearing “I love you”.
Even if other things in his life aren’t quite on track right now, having regular and satisfying sex will make him feel that he is still winning.
Many men describe sex with their wife or partner as being the most “therapeutic” thing they can do after a long hard day at the office or worksite. It allows them to cope with anything that may be stressing them out right now.
Guys often find it easier to express love in physical terms, which explains why they can get so stressed when it comes to trying to plan a romantic surprise.
A great night in the sack can make your man feel on top of the world the whole next day. If he is keeping you sexually satisfied, he is winning in life.
Men can have a LOT of performance anxiety around sex.
A man’s ego is on the line when it comes to the bedroom. He has the potential to be turned down when he tries to initiate sex, and he has the potential to ‘fail’ during sex itself.
Men feel a lot of pressure to live up to ‘sex-god’ ideals in the bedroom. Many guys feel that if they fail in the sack, they fail as a man. And there are a lot of ways in which they can ‘fail’.
Think how many jokes there are going around about a guy’s penis size, whether he can ‘keep it up’, and how long he can ‘last’ during intercourse.
Any guy will be secretly worried that if he underperforms, you will be going straight to your girlfriends to laugh about it.
Talk about pressure!
What he hears when you say “No”.
Have you ever had a guy shut down on you without having any idea why? Chances are, it may have something to do with what is happening (or not happening) in the bedroom.
When a guy tries to initiate sex, he is making himself vulnerable to a person he really cares about.
And as we’ve talked about earlier, sex is not just a physical thing he enjoys – it is actually strongly attached to his emotions.
So subsequently, when a man is turned down in his attempts to initiate sex, he can feel more rejected and wounded than perhaps we sometimes realize.
In fact, “No” to sex can open up all of a guy’s insecurities about not being desirable enough.
For instance, one man who was interviewed for Shaunti Feldhan’s book “For Women Only” explained that the reason it hurt so much when his wife said “No” to sex was that while he could never resist her, she seems to easily be able to resist him in the bedroom. This made him feel less desirable.
It can be easy to brush of your man’s advances without even realizing any damage it may be causing.
For instance, you may be in the middle of a demanding job when he comes up behind you and tries to distract you with a caress. As you are concentrating on what you are doing and sex isn’t at all on your mind right now, you might absentmindedly brush his hand away and keep going with the task.
Or perhaps he may try to get things started one night when you are feeling really tired and only have sleep in mind. So you give him a kiss and roll over to sleep.
In these cases, you’re not actually INTENDING to make your man feel rejected. In fact, your mind is barely even registering the fact that he wants to have sex.
But without realizing it, your disregard of his attempts to initiate sex may have been hurtful for him and he may withdraw from you as a result.
I want to be clear that this segment is NOT meant to make you feel that you shouldn’t ever turn down your man’s attempts for sex. Because you have every right to say “No” – for any reason.
But it is important to try and increase your awareness of a guy’s emotional connection to sex, and to be considerate and gentle about the WAY that you say “No”.
It’s important to make it clear that despite the fact that it isn’t a good time for you right now, you do really want and desire him.
And a good thing to do here is to suggest when WOULD be a good time (as soon as possible is best). For instance, if you are feeling too tired at night, let him know that you would love to in the morning instead (or make your own move on him in the morning).
Simply ‘having’ sex is not enough.
As we touched on above, guys can have a lot of performance anxiety when it comes to sex, even when in a committed relationship. And ESPECIALLY when you are first dating.
Part of a guy’s sexual satisfaction is knowing that he is keeping YOU satisfied, and that you genuinely enjoy having sex for your OWN sexual pleasure as well as his.
IF he feels that you are just having sex for the sake of satisfying him, it will not mean half as much. In fact, having sex ‘out of duty’ makes your man feel the same kind of rejection as you saying “no”.
Because when you don’t seem that into it, you are pretty much giving him the message that he is not that great in the sack. He wants to be a sex god who can drive you crazy at his touch. But instead, he feels like a ‘burden’ who is unable to excite you or get you hot.
So how can you show your man that you do love your time in the bedroom?
Well, firstly, by giving him a lot of encouragement. When he does something you like, make sure he KNOWS IT.
And if you want him, go ahead and initiate sex! This will go really far in telling him beyond-a-doubt that you find him desirable.
If the sex isn’t as good for you as what it could be, you need to actually communicate what you want. It’s important that you and your man feel safe and comfortable enough to express your sexual desires to one another, without the fear of being judged.
As long as you go about it in the right way (being gentle, encouraging and uncritical) a guy will love that you care enough about your own sexual satisfaction to tell him what really turns you on or sends you over the edge.
Don’t let the topic of sex go untalked about because it’s too hard to bring up. At the end of the day, improving your sex life is only going to be beneficial for your relationship.
Whereas continuing to have mundane sex for the sake of getting it over and done with will only put your relationship on the path to destruction.
What this all means for YOU:
First of all, all of this does NOT mean you have to sleep with a guy straight away when dating. In fact, sleeping with a guy straight away can actually be a turn-off, and hinder your chances of a good relationship.
However, you can still give him an indication that you find him desirable and are interested in sex, while maintaining a classy impression. For instance, there is nothing wrong with a steamy kiss on the doorstep after a night out.
But what I do want you to take away from this is how much sex is linked to a guy’s need to feel desired by you, and how it literally is the key to unlocking his more emotional side.
Remember, a decline in your sex life can feel the same to him as him suddenly not talking to you as much.
So treat sex as a way to connect and have fun with the man you’re with. And let him know what needs YOU have when it comes to sex and intimacy – anything that can help you to feel more comfortable, valued, desired and turned on.
This does NOT mean that you have to act like some kind of porn star to satisfy your man’s needs – it just means being actively involved and enjoying the moment.
Have fun and love your man in all the way he needs, so that he can love you in all of the ways that you need.
If you’re ready to take the plunge and learn why men pull away – Click here to watch my free video presentation…
Why Men Pull Away…and What Makes Them STAY In Love (VIDEO)
Thank u…I needed that!!!
Wow! Thank you ̶̲̥so much! That was awesome
Great, and valuable, article! Thank you so much. I learned a lot.
What do you do if you have been married for 25 years and it has become an issue. Now he is older and has performance anxiety and he has left and won’t talk to me at all? When I try… he just gets mad and pulls away more.
What if your man wants less sex than you do? What do you do when the man you are dating expresses that he may be suffering from some kind of erectile dysfunction?
Oh I’m in the same situation and now terrified to initiate anything sexual
I don’t know what to do and feel I’m losing him
Nobody seems yo discuss thus
I hope you find some help
What to do when you are dating a man with ED? Can there be a satisfying relation?
This is awesome information. Thx
All said is good, but what about men having sex outside of marriage?
Great article and very informative. Thank you!
This is really comprehensive and insightful.
Perhaps the #1 solution for wives is to make the advance occasionally. You be the one to put your ego at risk….and initiate the intimate encounter.
[Low risk for you…your husband will be out of his mind with excitement.]
What making the approach does is that it sends the signal that you are actually interested in sex and not just doing your duty. Makes a huge difference.
Joann asked about ED. A lot of ED is psychological. Maybe the person feels that you are really not into it and shuts down mentally.
Find out if he often gets up in the morning erect. That would rule out physical challenges. That will be your cue to work with your partner to overcome ED. Starting the process is a winning strategy.
this article makes no sense to me. my husband, before he left me, used to tell me that if i wanted sex, i would have to find someone else to have it with.
he wouldn’t even look at me naked.
i am not ugly. and the same weight as when he married me.
everything hurts. and don’t tell me to get counselling. i had it for years… i was trying so hard to change myself … nothing made him want me.
Great info for women.
How about the flip side? Where’s the article about women’s needs emotionally/sexually for the men to read (or for us women to leave out for our men to find)?
This article is another example of why years of marriage counseling did not help. As a female my perspective of sex is much more like the male’s as described in this article while my husband’s was more like the female’s. Over time I came to believe that matters of sexuality are individual and as unique as our fingerprints, certainly not so gender specific as described here and as the majority of counselors, etc. seem to believe. In fact I believe many of the differences are due to cultural conditioning and inherited beliefs more than anything else. I now believe it is important to know your own sexuality well before getting into a serious relationship so you can look for someone who is a good match for you as sexuality is at the core of the male-female romantic relationship. Without it the relationship will never obtain the level of fulfillment possible. When you are well matched sexually most of the suggestions made here and elsewhere happen naturally and reciprocally without having to “work” on it. Of course, there is more to a successful relationship than being well matched sexually, but what I’m saying is that without it things become an issue that would be a nonissue with it so it is way more important than most of us were raised to believe.
You said it, Deborah! I AGree 100%. I beg And Beg, It Wasnt Always Like This, He Changed. I Feel Like He Uses It As A Way Of Having Control. He Knows How Badly i Want It. Despite The Fact That i Very Much Want Him To Be In Dominant Control AS WEll., He doesnt See That He Can have his Cake ANd Eat It too. I try to entice him all sorts, he has no problem saying no, and I truly, without a doubt know 100% that he does not have a mistress, or porn\masturbating issue
Sorry, I don’t know why my device capitalizes every word sometimes.
very insightful,thanks.
Wish l knew how hurtful saying “no” was more clearly 3 years ago!..l did it once to often and he left me for my best friend!!!
I am pretty sure that this article tells the truth about relations between men and women a lot of the time. People say it’s not rocket science, but I wonder about that 🙂 I love the detail here, but I have one thing to query. You say: ‘If the sex isn’t as good for you as what it could be, you need to actually communicate what you want. It’s important that you and your man feel safe and comfortable enough to express your sexual desires to one another, without the fear of being judged.’ I think this is where many women will be wondering ‘what DO I want?’ Well, I would say to them, it may take some experimenting, but if you stick at it you will begin to find out some amazing things about relating to your man through sex and these things may help you see that sex and emotion don’t just go together for men and when they go together for you both then the ‘who feels emotional before and who feels emotional after’ isn’t so important as the connection you feel during your time together in bed.
Very insightful article. I was married to a man who wanted sex daily, which I was fine with, but after time, it felt more like a chore..the intimate part was gone and the love part faded. It was all about his needs, and rarely about mine. It was like a chore to him when I told him what I wanted. Sad to say, after 25 years of marriage, that I was the one needing more than just the physical, I needed the emotional. We are divorced, 3 years this month.
Now, I am with a man who is five years younger. We connected right away and get along very well. He is very affectionate outside the bedroom, which in turn, does turn me on. But it rarely transpires into taking it to the bedroom. 🙁 It’s been 7 months that we’ve been together and I usually am the one to initiate the sex. When we do have sex, it’s great. But I want/need it more than he does. Which is confusing for me going from one extreme to the next. When we are flirting with each other and the topic gets brought up, he laughs and says ‘ is that all you think about?!’ The other day, I told him ‘ you should feel lucky that I am this way, you will never have to beg for it, or look elsewhere’ I’m not sure how to really explain to him that I want him more. Sorry this got so long, guess I had a lot to say.
Sigh. Maybe,if he doesnt want sex, he’s transsexuaal. Treat him like a combo of male and female, things will prob change. Very confusing, but works.
thank you for the clarifications. I can see the differences and understand them more clearly. Whenever I try to initiate it… I get “no”. I’ve mentioned that I feel undesirable and get the same answers… I’m just not in the mood or I’m too tired. I’ve stopped trying. It’s really sad. Any other suggestions?
Thanks
I WOULD LIKE TO MENTION TO ALL THE LADIES WHO INITIATE SEX AND GET REBUFFED THAT THERE IS NO NEED FOR THEM TO FEEL REJECTED. WHAT THEY DO NOT SEEM TO REALISE IS THE FACT THAT THE MAN HAS TO PERFORM AND IS NOT NECESSARILY ABLE TO AT THEIR REQUEST. UNFORTUNATELY IT REQUIRES A VERY CLOSE UNDERSTANDING RELATIONSHIP FOR THE MAN TO GIVE AN HONEST EXPLANATION. USUALLY HE RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT MAKING THE WOMAN FEEL UNWANTED.
IN RESPONSE TO THE LOVELY LADY WHOSE HUSBAND WOULD NEVER EVEN LOOK AT HER AND WHO GOT THE IIMPRESSION THAT SHE HAD TO CHANGE TO PLEASE HIM I HAVE ONLY ONE THING TO SAY: IT IS HIM WHO NEEDS COUNSELLING NOT HER. I WOULD EVEN GO AS FAR AS TO SUGGEST THAT HE MARRIED HER BECAUSE HE KNEW HE COULD MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY FOR HIS OWN INADEQUACIES. HE MOST LIKELY IS COMPLETELY IMPOTENT AND ONLY MARRIED HER TO DISGUISE THIS FACT. I AM SURPRISED THIS WAS NEVER DISCUSSED ESPECIALLY DURING HER COUNSELLING SESSIONS. SHE IS OBVIOUSLY A VERY KIND PERSON HAVING TAKEN THE BLAME COMPLETELY UPON HERSELF. I WISH HER ALL THE BEST ON HER LIFE”S JOURNEY BECAUSE THERE IS DEFINITELY A SOULMATE WAITING FOR HER OUT THERE.
Very informative and enlightening. I love it.
Women who haven’t dated for a while may be wondering if any of this applies to them. They may be thinking ‘well, I don’t really know what’s going to happen past the first date. That’s true, but remember all the work you’ve put in familiarizing yourself with the idea of sex and men and have faith that it will work itself out as long as you are willing to talk about it and to follow certain maxims.
I have just ended a 22 yr marriage. My husband was taking so many scripts he had to get male hormone for a backup just ‘ in case’ he had a problem. We did all the right steps for a healthy sex life. Over the course of years of meds it became more difficult for him to juggle the pressure of his disability and a ‘ normal’ sex life. As much as I hated leaving him, I loved him, I had to leave for my sanity. My depression went deep. I felt that he ‘ loved’ the pills more than he did me. At the end he was sleeping 22 out of 24 hours a day. He would NOT talk to his doctor about the affect this. My point is sometimes a woman may not know a man is taking strong meds that is causing the problems. TALK, TALK, and both people have to listen and compromise.
This is awesome. Nice teaching and guidance. Thanks
Awesomeness. Great teachings
I call this God’s little joke on us, men need sex to have a connection and women need a connection to have sex. I do think not having casual sex is the answer. When it is in a committed relationship then you can talk about it, I think the saying is putting the cart before the horse. If you have sex before you are truly committed to each other then it’s just sex no relationship involved.
Awesome insight.. My Sweety will be happy and so will I..